The story of a couple who have married for more than a decade is recalled this week! Their story, like that of the prophet Yusuf ( Alehi Salam) and his brothers, as the glorious Qur’an has described it, is full of lessons for those who think.
Allah says: “in their stories there is certainly a lesson for men of understanding”. – Qur’an 12:111
The matters concerning the couple had been brought to the notice of the Imam and the clergy in the community Mosque where the couple had been praying their five daily canonical prayers as members of that community when it was reported that the wife had wanted to use the kitchen knife on her husband! It was a neighbour nearby to whom the husband had run to when escaping the brunt of the wife’s knife that had advised the Imam to invite the couple for settlement in the first place!
And since ” -Islahu-Sahtul-Baeni” i.e, settlement of rancour or what are between two people, is one of the unseen pillars of Islam, the Imam and the clergy in the mosque had summoned the couple to wade into the matters between them, may be God would use them to pour cold water in the duo troubled minds.
When the husband was signified to please honour the clergy’s sitting and state what had led to the fracas in the first place between him and her beau to the extent of the wife wanting to cut a pound of flesh from him, this is what the husband had said:
” There was nothing much except that I had wanted to get intimate with my matrimonial wife and she refused and the next thing she would do to resist was picking the knife and wanting to kill me, until I escaped to Mr. Ade’s house!”
The clergy men were all amused by the short speech of the husband on one hands as they were happy, on the other hands, that, the husband had even respected them for recounting such a matter in the public as it was a custom among couples to hide any matter that has to do with sex among arbitrators while they instead resorted to lying or saying the tail when it was the head they meant!
Although, if not for the warning by the Almighty in the glorious Qur’an that :” O you who believe! If a sinner (human being) comes to you with any news , ascertain, less you harm people unwittingly, and afterwards become full of repentance for what you have done” – Qur’an 49:6, we would have resorted to tongue-lashing the woman, as soon as her husband had finished stating his part of the matter, if we couldn’t descend on her for what his husband had just said!
When the woman was called forth to state her side of the story, it was the crying she first gave to the clergy! This was no surprise at all ! We knew women as the species of human beings who cry profusely when they were called to state their side of a story.
Notwithstanding, the wife as soon as she was encouraged not to cry , stopped the cry and assumed a confident temperament, declared :
” The matter was not like my husband had stated it, though , he had wanted to get intimate with me and in truth, I had picked the knife to prevent him not to do so when he had wanted to force himself on me but I had not intended to use it to cut his flesh or kill him as he had reported!”
” Besides, it had been my husband way for a long time to deny me the basic things of living whenever we had disagreement _ money he would not give me or his children; food he would debar us; and when this was going on ,she would want me to do all what a dutiful wive would do with her husband with him”
” He would want me to wash his clothes like before, cook food for him ( his own only), and get intimate with him despite him not doing his part of the bargain! Most times, I still honoured his manliness and did everything he wanted for him but two times or three times I had refused, he would want to raise his hands on me and force himself on me until today that I brought a knife to my own defence!”
When the woman had finished her rebuttal, the room was as silent as a graveyard while everybody’s eyes, except the woman, was on the ground downcast! But, at last, the Imam had retorted:
” Sir, the husband! Had you heard what Madam had just said? Was the matter like that? But sorry, I will not ask you if the matter was like that but sir, endeavor to treat your woman like human being comes rain comes sun without giving way for abstinence from being kind to her even during the hours of disagreement!
“This is one of the reasons you ( men) are depicted as ” protectors and maintainers of women, ” in Qu’ran 4:34 and ” because Allah Has given the one more strength than the other, and because they( men) support them from their means …!”
And you Madam : ” you ought to have find another means of defending yourself but not picking up a knife against your husband! Imagine, in the process of wanting to defend yourself with the knife, something bad had occurred, you will now be tagged ” an husband-killer or wounder” , while nobody will say in your defence that you had picked the knife so as to save yourself from your husband’s abuse, the Imam had concluded.
Brethren! Some husbands are like the husband in the story above ! They do not know that their wives and children are their responsibilities for all the course of their lives.
They do not realize that God will ask, probe and question them on how they had been to their responsibilities in the hereafter, as the prophet ( salla-llahu alehi wasalam) had indicated in one of his ahadith as follows:
” All of you are shepherds and all of you will be asked how you had been fairing to your parishes !”
Then if you men are all shepherds ( overseers of their families) and your families are your parishes ( dependents) on whom you will be questioned on the Day of judgement, it then behooves that you should strive and be upright on their responsibilities by teaching your dependents, by impacting morals in their life through being moral yourselves; by feeding them comes rain comes sun, from what you are feeding from until you will not be sad on the Day you will be questioned about your responsibilities.
Brethren! It is important you know that the morsels of food you put on the mouths of your wives and that of your children are all alms you will be rewarded on, in this life and in the hereafter!
Likewise, the best of your wealths is the one you spend on the welfares of your wives and children! Do not allow the behaviour of your dependants server you from this humongous eternal rewards.
Think alongside with me, oh you brethren, on this hadith of prophet Muhammad ( salla-llahu alehi wasalam):
” A wealth you spend in the ways of God, and a wealth you use on settling those on bondage free, and a wealth you give as an alms to the needy, and a wealth you utilize on the welfares of your family; the best of all these your spending in rewards, is the one you utilized on the welfares of your families!”
This is the reason you don’t allow a grudge, a disagreement and a dissatisfaction between you and your wives to hamper you from having the rewards of your spending on them.
And this is why you will not use their feeding as a means to settle scores with them. In all the seasons of life, do your own part and be expecting God’s abundance in forms of rewards from Him alone and not from your wives or any member of your families!
Be cognisant that goodness to women ( wives) encompasses giving them their rights in terms of spending on them, and more, but does not include dealing with them in miserly or mingy manner. And when there are unsettled matters between you and them to the extent of divorce, the religion of Allah, Islam, wants you to divorce them with kindness to them while you do not bar them from the rights you are to give to them even in such a situation!
This is what the verse : ” a divorce is only permissible twice; after that , the parties should either hold together on equitable terms, or separate with kindness ( Qur’an 2:229.) ” is pointed to.
Yusuf Ali while commenting on the verse above,has this to say:
” If a separation is inevitable, the parties should not throw mud at each other, but recognise what is right and honourable on a consideration of all the circumstances. In any case a man is not allowed to ask back for any gifts or property he may have given to the wife. This is for the protection of the economically weaker sex. ”
The bigger picture Islam wants men to see in all the admonitions above is to offer their wives a life of kindness come what may be in their relationships with them. Since the goodness of the society lies in the goodness of the families that make up the society and invariably, the goodness of the family is largely, hinges on the goodness of the wives, since they are the children’s caretakers and givers. And one way of adding up their goodness is to be good to them. This is what the Qur’an 4:19 is driving at :
” .. on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity for if you take a dislike to them , it may be you dislike a thing , and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good”
In conclusion, goodness to everything created by God is non-negotiable not to talk of goodness to women who are one essential pillars of the society. They are to be cared for; be kind to and spent on. Indeed, spending on them is an alms-giving exercise, according to the prophet( salla-llahu alehi wasalam) from his hadith reported by Abiy Mas’ud Albadriy ( Radiya-llahu anhu) who said that the prophet ( salla-llahu alehi wasalam) said:
“When a Believer spent a wealth on his family and he reckon with it, it will be an alms-giving on his part”